Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
50% drunk capacity currently
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
