I think I won the penis lottery.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
