watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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