if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
