OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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