at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
