I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
