I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
