I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
