They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
