I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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