i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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