I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
