When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
