your room smells of hookers.
And success
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
