Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
