Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
