Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
