just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
