just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
