Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
