your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
