We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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