I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
