it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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