my room smells like sperm. sweet.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE