i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
