Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dicks are not precious.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
