She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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