There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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