remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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