Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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