Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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