I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
