Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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