and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
tell me about the eggs
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