who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
