Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
