Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
