just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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