ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
