i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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