The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
