I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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