Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
