last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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