I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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