Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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