she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
