True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
