I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
