if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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