She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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