The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
