I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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